How can we make docking a process where we communicate respectfully, are certain of our decisions and reduce anxiety?

Docking has always been a rush for me, your senses are heightened with pre-emptive thinking firing all your neurons at the same time and endorphins flood your brain in overwhelm. It is often a time when emotions are heightened out of fear of it going wrong that skippers start yelling at their crew because they don’t have enough experience in staying calm under pressure and in docking in general. Unfortunately this is the cause of many breakup’s and divorces. I have seen the wife of a couple storms off and gives the husband the ultimatum, “me or the boat” and my whole mission is to assist yachties avoid unnecessary conflicts, anxieties and doubts, help overcome challenges and gain personal certainty in the face of challenges that cruising inevitably presents.

The general consensus is that we only dock the boat when we absolutely have to, sometimes this can be once a month but in many cases it’s a lot less than that which increases the anxiety when it is time to do it especially when the elements are more demanding.

Having had tons of practice doing it over and over sometimes three times a day on various boats throughout my career, I can say that you get quite good at it and very comfortable after a while.

As cliché as it sounds, the only way to get there is to practice.

Is it important to practice getting on and off of the dock when it is safer to just leave the boat tied up?

To answer this, I will pose another two questions; How important is your relationship to you? Isn’t the risk of scratching your boat now and then, perhaps having to do a little gelcoat repair here and there worth the reward of calm certainty and respectful clear communication and confidence in your decisions every time you dock?

Another way to think about it is like a relationship check in. we don’t feel we need to do it when things are going fine, but the slow build-up of things unsaid and tiny resentments that seem like nothing at the time are brushed off, made to be unimportant and build up over time resulting in a blow-up which can lead to a breakup. If you are based in a marina for whatever reason, it means you have paid your fees to be there and have the right to move around freely in the marina. This is an incredible opportunity to set aside time every week to practice docking with your partner. Start with calmer days and gradually choose days when the wind comes from different directions and at different speeds. Try all wind angles and strategies like springing off the bow and stern, slipping lines getting the timing right allowing lines to be retrieved before engaging the engine if it’s near the stern etc. There is little consequence when there is no wind so this is a prime opportunity to work on the timing and communication between you two.

Say things out loud even if you think it is unnecessary to say and see this as a relationship bonding practice moment to have patience for each other when “over communicating” knowing that the intention is to get this right without yelling. It is better to over communicate than to under communicate and this develops tolerance for each other and ultimately grows the relationship.

The times where you are feeling like this docking-situation is getting serious or dodgy become challenges to learn from and overcome with personal certainty. When the wind starts blowing your bow, overpowering any effects of your rudder with little forward momentum, there is a massive feeling of relief if this was anticipated beforehand as a possibility and considering how beneficial your prop walk can be as a backup plan when choosing to dock on the port or starboard side ahead of time, can get you out of trouble as quickly as you got into it.

Let me tell you how I got to this place of getting this right time and time again:

By failing many times and learning how to intervene on my emotions. 

Many sailors disregard emotions as a weakness. In fact many sailors went to sea because they were running away from society and didn’t feel accepted for who they are or felt misunderstood and now they are on a yacht which is their territory, a predictable environment that they can control and their ego can flourish with no rules to abide to other than their own. In other words, avoiding their emotions and seeking control in other ways. Understanding emotions and how they affect you and everyone on-board becomes the most useful tool to fuel logic, create fluidity and a great vibe on a boat. I would go as far as to say that any meltdown on-board comes down to the lack of emotional awareness. No matter how tough and hard you think you are, you are an emotional being. All your decisions are based in your desires to feel at ease, yes I said FEEL at ease.

Docking a boat is a time where Your emotions and those of your crew are heightened. The practical experience and emotional stability which inspires confidence in the captain sustainably, go together. Being aware of how you are communicating and whether you are reactive or calm is a great metric of how confident you are when docking. A big misconception is that I can’t say out loud what I am thinking when coming into a docking situation, that I must make up my mind, say the command and execute the plan so that I don’t appear indecisive. While I fully agree that there can only be one final say to avoid confusion and that confidence in that decision is the way to go, it is not a sign of weakness to verbalize the options that you see before you. What this does is opens up the options to your crew’s awareness and invites alternative strategies into YOUR awareness that you may have overlooked. It also helps them to learn your thought process and understand what possibilities there are in every docking situation for them to grow into better sailors. This cumulative knowledge becomes really beneficial when the situation is serious. Having more than just your view on the situation increases the chances of success. You don’t need to use their suggestions, but one might be useful and circumvent a dire situation. No two situations are the same but when you understand the importance of communicating what you are thinking, the crew feels included and seen, the motivation for getting it right is from a place of teamwork instead of fear of getting scolded.

We falsely confuse our credibility as a leaders as being tied to our intelligence. It is not! It’s tied to our ability to see others around us rise. That’s what it means to be a leader. - Simon Sinek

Gone are the days where we need to use fear as a control mechanism to be a leader on a boat, we have evolved to learn newer ways to lead with respect for everyone, after all we have gone sailing to have fun and experience an enriched life!

The final thing I do after a docking is to have a debriefing and discuss what we did well, recognizing what each crew member did to make this possible and talking about how we could have done it better so that we learn how we can improve for next time.

Here’s a short summary of what you can take away from this:

1.  Set a schedule for practicing docking, seeing it as both building experience for future safety and gaining confidence.
2. Practicing docking is a great opportunity to strengthen your relationship bond and improve communication.
3. Over-communicating is better than under-communicating
4. We are all emotional beings and mastering your own emotions creates a great atmosphere onboard. Emotional stability and practical experience go together.
5. Talk the crew through your thought process so that everyone learns together and be receptive to alternative ideas.
6. Respectful leadership inspires confidence in the skipper and a motivation to stay on the boat.
7. Debrief the crew in an open conversation acknowledging efforts after every docking and learn from mistakes together so that we can improve and prevent future mistakes.

I don’t know why but just watching you do stuff on deck is pissing me off!

Have you ever been on a long sailing trip with someone who you got along well with in the preparation stage but as time goes by you start noticing little things about them that irritate you?

Usually we can just walk away and do something else, be somewhere else or say goodbye to them and catch up another time. Of course at sea this is not the case, so learning good coping mechanisms is essential to tolerating others, especially on longer passages.

On a boat you get to know people pretty well! You get to know their habits, their stories, their world view, their political views, their sense of humour, when they are grumpy (before coffee usually) etc...they are in your vision all the time, in your living quarters, in your personal space. The mind tends to focus on what is in front of it, and a great deal of the time we respond to stimuli instinctively.

This is a trait that served us very well as hunter-gatherers because our lives were constantly under threat of being eaten by something with bigger teeth than us! We had to scan our environment, pick out the dangers, focus on them and make the distinction between what was safe, and what was dangerous, and if there were multiple dangers, which danger to prioritize on. This categorizing and creating a conclusion about our surroundings was extremely important for our survival and we have that mechanism to thank for being alive today.

Nowadays when living in a city or out in the country this is not usually a problem. In fact it’s a major benefit. That’s how we are able to cross the road safely, choose which groceries to buy, and whether the dog coming towards you is friendly or not. The difference on a boat is that there is nowhere else to go, and not always much to do, so the data input is limited to what is around your immediate vicinity and hyper-focused on the few things that are happening on-board. Your mind judges what is before you, categorizes it and needs to make a concrete conclusion in order to move on. With a limited amount of “events” happening, the process of moving on to the next focal point can be spaced apart and take a while. When that scanning process and conclusion is fixated on how irritating that person is being, we sometimes can’t see past that annoyance and see their wonderful side or even notice the things they are doing right.

It can be extremely helpful to recognize that we actually have some control over this response. Remember that this peeve is being looked at through a danger-scanning/conclusion-making lens. Just recognizing this about our own brain can help us to be more tolerant of others, recognize the need to give our minds something else to focus on and be in control of our attention, and in the driver’s seat of our mind.

Sailing can be incredibly rewarding, but at times offers unique challenges. In my experience, these challenges also provide unique opportunities for learning and growth. The difficulties of living and working in close quarters with new people also gives us a chance to better understand how our own mind works. Learning tolerance and acceptance for each other on-board a sailboat at sea starts with control of our attention. This allows us to reframe the annoyance as a less-important priority and continue sailing enjoyably in the long run. The effort that it takes to do this can transform your voyage and overall experience at sea as quickly as the next time you cast off. Making little sticky note reminders to put in your cabin can bring this into your awareness every time you go on deck.

Feelings of uncertainty and imposter syndrome when one is in a position of authority is a very common problem! I remember experiencing these feelings when I started skippering my first yacht. I really wanted to know the essential nuggets of knowledge for running a boat smoothly so that it could be a less stressful and more enjoyable experience on-board, but I didn’t know what knowledge I really needed for this! I was also afraid to ask others because I would be looked down upon as someone who just needed to gain experience and who shouldn't be a skipper without knowing what they knew first.

As an emerging skipper I really wanted my crew to trust me but I didn’t fully trust my abilities myself, and I had nobody to support my decisions. I felt that I had to “fake” my confidence and “suck it up” so that they didn’t see what I was going through. This made me feel even less confident when I stalled on decisions that I could have been better prepared for with experience. I had done all my sailing courses which helped with the practical knowledge of how to sail, navigate and be prepared for going sailing. I had also done about 5000 Nautical miles at that stage, sailing under other skippers who had their methods, but some of their methods didn’t align with me fully and I knew I wanted to do things differently but didn’t know how to.

When I look back now on a 12 year sailing career and the ongoing recreational sailing I have done, I have to say that they were right! Time “at the helm” was a great way to learn the ins and outs of what it takes to become a good skipper, but it wasn’t the only way. One can learn a lot by asking those who have been through those situations before despite the discomfort this may require or fear of being seen as incompetent. It helps to formulate awareness for when something similar happens to you. By “priming” my mind by asking better questions, I would have been able to avoid more close calls and shorten the learning curve. I also I feel that if I knew what those questions were that I needed to ask, I could have cut my learning curve and stress in half, both in the areas of personal development in being a better skipper for my crew, and in my practical application of skills and knowledge required.

What I didn’t realize at the time was how much my abilities would continue to be tested even after I finally did take command. The anxieties and fears were new to me and I felt a lack of confidence in the ever changing scenarios that came my way, I didn’t have anyone to turn to for support and all I could do was trust and hope that I would be able to make good decisions when the situations arose. When you are the captain, there is generally nobody to turn to for help. You are legally, according to maritime law, “second in command under God”. Knowing that every decision I made would embody the experience of all on board as well as their safety being my responsibility heightened my anxiety and necessarily my situational awareness.

The complexity of undertaking an ocean passage is something that requires much planning and preparation, the mental and emotional preparation was something that came at a slower pace and developing the tools to make those ocean crossings a very enjoyable, safe process without it being an either/or scenario became more refined after having done it for many years. These are things that you don’t learn in sailing school, they are generally learned through life experience and your intuition gets attuned to living in this way.

It takes more than just practical skills and experience to be a good skipper and by association, a good leader. When you dedicate yourself to a path of personal development, you also enrich the experience of sailing for yourself and everyone else on board. Whatever your goal when sailing, this is fundamental to getting the best possible outcome.

I have come to learn that Seamanship is also an attitude that can be learned before stepping foot on a boat and this is one of the topics I talk more about in my Ultimate Voyage Prep course. I do believe that life experiences can be taught to those willing to be receptive, thus shortening the amount of time required to have to learn from your own mistakes and giving you more confidence in the process. The tools for being able to shortcut the learning curve in the thinking process required to be an amazing skipper are teachable skills too. It surprises me how many sailors don’t want to part with their knowledge, there is a feeling that they have worked to know what they know and their experience somehow makes them superior, because they have “gone through” the hard stuff and survived and so should you if you want to elevate your knowledge and skills.

I do not resonate with that mindset at all and really believe that knowledge gained is no good if not shared. Holding back knowledge gained through experience is an inefficient way of evolving as a collective species and ego-centric when kept from others especially when that experience can add safety to people at sea.

Here is a short summary of what you have just read:

• The feelings of imposter syndrome and the desire to feel more relaxed and competent are normal, they should be a prompt to gain your own experience and bridge the gap with knowledge gained through experience of others.
• Asking better questions is the powerful tool you have available to overcoming future potential problems.
• Personal development makes you a better leader, skipper and human being. It is worth the journey if you want to live an enriching fulfilling life.
• You have to trust your judgement in order to inspire trust in others.
• Asking for guidance and support is not a sign of weakness, it is wisdom.
• Life experiences can be taught to those willing to be receptive.
• Mindset is everything.

What do Hunter gatherers have in common with Sailors?

I often wonder why some people have the courage to make the decision to sell up and go sailing, and for some people it will always just remain a dream, even if they have the means and the desire to make it a reality. To some extent I get it, The major threat to the comfort of predictability that this sort of decision takes is enormous. It can be the riskiest financial decision some people make in their entire lives, while at sea there is the unpredictability of so many things that could go wrong; the weather, the pirates, the fishing nets, collision the list goes on.

Why do people do it then? Why not just stay in safety?

In modern times, we value stability and predictability above all else. It comes from the basic need for safety which is an emotional and biological response. When we were chasing animals on the Savannah plains of Africa and picking berries, this response mechanism was a physical need more than anything because you were very vulnerable and getting eaten was a pretty common theme amongst the hunter-gatherers.

If we think of some of the main core emotional needs of humans being safety, belonging, connection, purpose, relevance, … they come from the physical requirements of continued survival. This is why the feeling of safety is so important to us today, because we haven’t changed that much from those times.

Nowadays, for a lot of us, our physical needs for safety have been taken care of. It is mostly our need for emotional safety that is left to be taken care of which is still tremendously important but often neglected.

SO

Why do we like risk and danger? Why do we feel more alive when we are stepping into the wild, jumping off of a cliff with a parachute or going to sea on our world cruise? Is it perhaps because the two go together, and as much as we need safety-we need danger to feel fully alive?

Once the dangerous animal that nearly killed the hunters during the hunt is killed, everyone feels invigorated and celebrates living to see another day. The risk was worth it because they are able to eat again, fulfilling the need for survival and feeling fully alive! The need for risk comes out of our need for safety. We save up our whole lives for a comfortable retirement and then realize that we still have some living and experiencing to do which is risky. We realize that playing it safe has not given us the fulfilment we were promised. We start to see and feel our bodies aging and our mortality becomes more obvious as time starts to slip by. Our dreams of adventure are thought of once again and at some point we realize that we are not going to live forever. Now we have to fight the urge to stay safe in order to experience exhilaration.

What happens next is usually a moment of rapture, of overcoming the fears with logic and making bold decisions. I celebrate when people arrive at this place. I absolutely love championing them through the process of turning that dream into a reality.

When you step into the unknown you need a guide so that you don’t end up making naïve decisions based on your excitement, and to help you overcome the fears that many experience along the journey.

It is perfectly okay not to want to take any risks if that is fulfilling to you, but for many people it isn’t.

There is risk and there is risk.

Risk is subjective and we all have different tolerances and understandings of what that is to us. It could be financial, physically life threatening or emotionally threatening.

I want to talk about the two risky decisions one makes when deciding to going sailing:

There is the risk in making decisions that have the potential to transform your life (and possibly take it), and then there is the risk of not answering the call within and living in safety and comfort, always wondering what it would have been like if you had.

The risk of hunting the wild animal in order to feed the tribe has an inherent danger to it and is the same call we answer today when we make the decision to dare to experience our long-suppressed desire for adventure, it is the same mechanism because we are still the same animal.

Courage is not easy, but it is paramount to claiming your birth right of experiencing life fully. Sometimes hunters were killed by the animal that they were trying to eat. If you are still alive from the risks you took then you have probably developed good judgement and the fear of failure may be the only thing holding you back, but it is only here at this edge that the magic happens.

“Giving up on your dreams is more risky than failure” Arnold Shwarzenegger

I meet cruising sailors that have taken the financial risk of making their dream into a reality and are never quite ready to set sail. They get stuck in a sort of purgatory. They know that this is what they want to do and are excited about going to sea, but the daunting feeling of overwhelming “what ifs” come up. What if we are not leaving at the right time? What if a storm puts us in danger? What if we don’t feel competent enough for what is to come? The reality is that there are no guarantees; is it a bad idea to go blue water sailing then? You could die tomorrow of something out of your control on land  and you could die at sea of something out of your control at sea, clinging to life is not living.

We often like to put a monetary excuse in place to protect us from the courage required to overcome our fears.

If you have been dreaming of sailing the world and have the finances to do it, I would love to have a chat with you. My passion is helping you navigate that decision. I will be in your corner every step of the way, wherever you are in the world. There are options to join up with a Rally group like Island Cruising NZ who sail together in a fleet of boats to islands in the Pacific and give you tons of support along the way, you don't have to navigate this journey alone!